Too little time

The story of the dragonfly has helped my sister in law get through some of the most painful moments of her life, even more painful than having hodgkins disease at 18.

My sister in law is the baby of 5, all the four above her boys. She is the baby and the only girl. We always wondered what kind of man she would marry. Who could ever fit in with the mix of brothers she had?

And then she met Jeff. He walked into the family like he had always been here. Just another one of the brothers. And yet just as easily an "outlaw" with the wives of the brothers. He treated my sister in law like a princess. He cooked and cleaned and when their son was born became the dad that all kids wish for.

He loved being a dad and he loved being a husband. He was up for anything. He fished, he drank, he was a good ol boy from Massachussetts. I know that doesnt make sense but just go with it.

They moved back to Long Island and bought a house near the rest of the family in the Hamptons. He built a chicken coop in the backyard and ordered baby chicks that he raised. He was your perfect neighbor always offering to lend a hand and making friends with everyone he ever met.

In September of 2004 he was in his work truck and someone ran a stop sign and hit him. He was hurt. He had ruptured 2 discs in his back and spent months getting steroid shots, going for physical therapy and taking drugs that never worked.

Finally the pain was just too much to bear. He saw a doctor who recommended surgery. He couldnt work, he couldnt move and he could not take the pain. And let me just add that this guy could cut off his own finger and then play an entire football game. He was not a wuss. He was a big, strong guy and the pain was killing him.

We picked up their son Ryeguy from their house on a Monday. Hubby said the pain in Jeffs face was unbearable and he was glad he was finally having surgery to fix it. They checked into the hospital on Tuesday morning and he had surgery at around 8am.

He was supposed to come home the same day. He came out of the surgery in such excrutiating pain it was unbearable. My sister in law came over and was crying and saying this isnt right. My mother who had had the same surgery just 20 years earlier said No I felt that awful too, It takes time.

Jeff wanted to stay in the hospital. The nurses wanted him to get up, walk around, drink a ginger ale, eat a jello, pee and then go home. Jeff couldnt get up. The doctor spoke to him on the phone and said you have to get up. Jeff said I cant, the pain is unbearable. The doctor said Fine stay in bed, get a blood clot and die and he hung up.

The nurses said Jeff must have been a vicodan addict because the pain killers werent working. Jeff said I never took the vicodan because it never worked for me. She said yeah sure, you're a drug addict and we arent giving you anything else. He was slowly dying and being tortured the whole time.

Wednesday comes and he is not feeling any better and they tell him he has to go home the insurance wont pay and he still cannot walk. So my sister in law calls the doctor from my house and finds out the doctor who did the surgery is on vacation and his brother is on call. He will be fine the doctor says. He needs to get up. He cant says my sister in law. He has no choice says dr. killer.

So my sister in law returns to the hospital to find that they have packed Jeffs bags and checked him out of the hospital. She can barely make it to the car with him and calls ahead for her cousin to meet her at home so they can get him out of the car.

They live an hour away from the hospital. I tell her we will keep Ryeguy so she can get Jeff settled and we will bring him home later or tomorrow. She half argues but thank god finally agrees.

On the way home Jeff feels sick, he wants to throw up, he cant breathe. She figures it is the anesthesia and he just needs to get home and rest in his own bed.

They are not in the door for more than 2 minutes and he collapses in the front hallway. They call 911 who is there immediately and they take him away in an ambulance.

But he is already gone. A blood clot, lots of blood clots to the lungs and brain. Blood clots that had been building since the surgery. Blood clots that took away a father who wanted to be there for little league, for school events. A husband who wanted to take care of his princess, and give her more little children to love.

Hubby got a call while I was shopping at BJs that Jeff had collapsed. He got in the car and headed to the hospital. He got another call in the car that he had passed. Kaka his sister asked him to please go in and say goodbye for her. He did. And then he called me.

Hey whats up I say? Um Jeff passed away a little while ago. No Hubby No I collapse to the wall. I have Ryeguy in the tub and it takes every ounce of strength I have to keep it together for him. But somehow I look into the face of that beautiful boy and I say no honey everything is fine, because I just want him to have one more peaceful night of sleep before his life is turned upside down.

Was it preventable? The judges and lawyers said no. I say maybe. Maybe if the hospital has paid attention to a man who was crying out in pain. Maybe there was nothing that could be done but the last moments of his life did not have to be in such torment and despair. All that was needed was a little compassion, a little understanding.

I get angry when I think about what my sister in law has lost. I am angry that there was no one to blame except for the guy that hit him in the car. I am angry that there is a 7 year old child without a father because no one would listen.

My sister in law just got a dragonfly tattoo to remind her that maybe Jeff is in a better place. Maybe we are all just the waterbugs and someday we will all be together flying gracefully through the sky with our beautiful wings.

We never know how long we have or what our lifetime is. Jeffs was only 35 years but he made an impact that will last a lot longer than that.

Every time I see a dragonfly I know it is Jeff. Watching over my family and my sister in law, making sure that someday we will be together again. And we will make up for lost time. We miss you Jeff.